sometimes it seems the harder u try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. u feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. for having wanted to be wanted. it confuses u, cus u think that your feeling...s were wrong, and it makes u feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when u let it out and it doesnt come back. u’re left so alone that u cant explain

kope from cheow jun.
hahaha i see her husband pics.. the cat super cute!! got the puss in boots pattern.
haha.. anyway wats up ah! everyone getting married sooOOoOoooo YOUNG. damn it.
i also wan la!
who wan me!?

sometimes you just feel everything and nothing all at once. sometimes you will find yourself smiling while missing something at the same time. at times you can absolutely love a person, while all the while wanting to hate them. life comes without g...uarantees. except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life

god.. extraction on friday!! the dentist who did the filling for me gone liao! faint. 2 weeks nia lor..
now new one.. dunno good anot :(((

wah damn tired. today celebrate hari raya! hahaha kope pics and upload agian.. hehehehehee.. this time i shouldnt have much. not the main star. nevertheless tiirrreed...
appraisal soon. SCARY.

mr veloo tmr morningg. scaryy.

and sometimes .. i love my volunteers.
some of them i absolutely hate.
jenny shared with me 1 hour plus.. sit at the coffeeshop talk...
now i know why old people can always talk talk talk.. hahhaa they have sooooo many stories. lived for such a long time..
its amazing.. some of their stories.
but also quite sad..
hais.

:X
see. i kapo again. cannot help ownself, then wan help people.
damn it, if social work i didnt have to study those stuff or gotten such a lousy grade.. i might have been a social worker liao.
argh. i jus like to help/kapo.. whatever u all call it.
satisfaction, to jus able to be there to listen, to share their pain/happiness, to make someone understanding/learn something..

next monday 8am, and boss wanted to 'long cham pass' with me.. see who kenna 8am. hahaa but he so ke lian, from bukit batok come down.. so i decided to be nice.
cuz ah kok can morning call me! :))))))

I miss u again...
How can someone miss someone so much?
N how can that someone dun feel anything at all

8am tmr.. I wan slp.. I'm waiting for slp to come .. Waiting for u to reply..

i made my tuition kid cry.. :(
i never wanted to make u cry.
but i dont want you to continue like tt.
i'm sorry.

maybe i'm really losin it.
losing the ability to teach, losing people around me...

i'm ur cheerleader.. i've always been ur cheerleader.. maybe one day.. u will see it..
what do u mean...

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy



f1 Rocks!!! :) i've got a feeeeeellinnnggg tonight's gonna be a good good night.
beyonce was super kua zhang. she changed her outfit after every song. god. and the fan everywhere she go. tissue paper here and there, drink..
was like really watching her perform..

black eyed peas.. wooooohoooo! :)

i said so much rubbish..
but i left the words that i really wan to say unspoken.

i appreciate that u drove all the way here, and drove back jus to pass me the thingg.
i'm really happy to see u.
i really wanted to have a dinner with u..
but i'm afraid it will affect ur freedom, that it will irritate u somehow.

ure so happy when i'm not around that it pains me.
nobody to restrict u now..
how can u say i dun trust u.. when ure one of the few that i trust most in the world.






a year le.. since the last grand prix..
i miss the smiles.
i miss u..

i dun even know what u feel now..


嬉笑 打闹 拥抱

留下了那么多开心合照

互相取暖依靠

熬过了最低潮 一起生活 也一起埋怨过

走过最好与最糟 我在心里想的不用说明

你知道晨昏日夜颠倒

这房子突然没从前热闹

散落一地微笑 没有人去打扫 感情很微妙

再多付出也好 再多关心都徒劳

爱从来就没有固定的轨道它最后停在哪里谁知道

我的难过是如此低调 因为不想打扰

我在寂寞的墙角 努力的对自己好

你用微笑回报 朋友或情人不重要 ...

help help help.
help everyone.
in the end.. haha i'm the dead one.
wahahahahahahahahha

in the end, i'm the one who cannot be saved.
i tot i was the lucky and fortunate one. thought i was the blissful one.
haha. idiot.

11 days le. i go out, talk to people. everythingg i'm fine.
surrounded by so mannnnnyyy people.. but still..

i always tell people. appreciate what they have.
there will always be someone better, jus that we stop looking and accept the one we are with.
hahaa who knows...

i'm not trying to say i'm very good. but why cannot talk one.. why always wait till too late..
and why so difficult to find someone to love me whole heartedly?

everyone tell me to dun think too much. i also wish i can dun think.
i dont want to think.
i want to leave u alone. i really wan.
but maybe u dun understand the pain right.
u dun understand what it feels like to love someone like tt then the next min u have to get lost?
not everything have so many chances de.
not everyone can be so nice to u de.
care from the heart for u.
not for ur money or watever de.

why always like to go in big round? i dun wan go in round le.
its not fun at all.. wat's wrong with my relationships..
love makes us extremely happy, the floating, heart beat quickening, smiling like an idiot the whole day that kind..
but love also brings us the purest of pain.

说好的幸福呢？

Pat's birthday at Carousel..













recently got watch one ep of 意难忘。
and super love the song.

云中的月半醒半茫
灯下的人心头沉重
为你我心甘
为你我情愿
守你一生护你一世人
啊…只爱你一人
我爱你这呢重
甘愿用生命来疼痛
你伤我这呢重
叫我怎样用一生憨憨等
啊…有望无望
你是我今生最爱的人

These few days keep coughing myself awake.. Stupid cough affecting my slp..
Mybe one day I'll jus cough cough cough n collapse. At least I won't be so pek chek by it.. Hahaa

Later gonna play Mj and eat good food! :)
Pics soon!!

I

i'm still in love with u.

@11.02pm

i'm so weak.
i missed him and i called him.
weak and idiot.
sick and wanted his concern so i called.

i deserve it.

i see other couples together.. so sweet.
haha. jealous..
u dun care.. hai.

i also duno why. ownself in trouble. but jus kapo.. always like to help other ppl.
my boss was jus saying today i got counsellor face. :P
thank goodness he didnt scold me for kapo.
anyway he super kapo.. go bio my fb. :(

haha he told me some small little joke..
its some baby blue comic strip i think. hahaa.

Father sees son carrying a bucket of sand into the house.
Father says, "i thought i told you no sand in the house!? Put it back where you found it!"
Son empties the bucket of sand into his shoes..

haahah. communication problem..
and some of the kids in my centre really can make me laugh and make me wanna die at the same time.

but either way, these few days sick abit guilty. my boss was saying, "actually didnt wan to come back"
i think he was lookin for a response ahhaa i said, "what u trying to tell me? i hai u come back ar"
opps. i think we too friendly sometimes.. haha
cuz yest before he left.. to book his bangkok trip (-__-), he was telling my other colleague that i sick, ask my colleague to come back can claim OT.

haha. cuz 7pm i only girl ma.. they worried supernatural stuff and people come to zesiao..

hai.. one of my volunteer (ah kok) say he wan quit as volunteer le.. small misunderstanding..
another of my resident gonna help me talk to him.. hahaa
she told him my boss scolded me and i cried. hahaha
i think really gonna cry soon. so many pple wanna quit! :(
sometimes, i feel like the residents are part of my family.. SOMETIMES.
i like ahmah... shes super cute. i cant really communicate with her.. but we always see each other and waveeee and smile.. and i like to call her ah mahhhhh..
shes SUPER GOOD with sewing stuff. i am super tempted to ask her to sew a quilt for me!
shes the reason why i wanna learn teochew.
another resident to note is mr loh.
always smiling.. and stays out of trouble.
respect him. like to talk to him.
next time i will take pics and slowly intro.. :)
the kids too.. some kids i biased towards le... but most of them good helpers.. listen.. after 6pm.. they become terrors and i have to go out and start behavin like a mum :X

i am trying to have a malay god daughter! hahaahah
got pic.. upload next time. i will try take more. hahaa. shes DAMN CUTE.
she gives me stuff.. gosh. and even boss say, i mus have been her mum or something in our past life.. forever comes into the office to auntie this and auntie that. haha

tmr gonna extract my tooth le :(
ouch.

actually lookin forward to watchin the SG grandprix on tv!!! :P last year didnt get to watch on tv.. haha.. wahh really like very long ago..
hais.
i miss the smiles.. and that feeling..
i hate this feeling i have now..
sometimes i wanna turn back time..

but quite happy today,
someone told me..

"well, i'm glad you feel better

thats all that matters really"

:D

i'm so tired.

i cant believe i love until so tired.

its not easy to make someone who love you 100% to give up..

but from the way things are now.. haha i'm too tired to give..

i think its my turn to receive already..

oppps.. too emo le. hahaa.
anyway dun care.

i wan load pics. some pics with my residents and volunteers.
i try load more videos. haha anyway i dont know if i'm supposed to be doing this?

Loving someone deeply doesnt mean you can have that someone as your love in your life....

the love of my life. told me to smile and be happy.
the love of my life told me i'm special.
the love of my life also told me that he hates receiving phone calls from me.
the love of my life told me i'm irritating.

i believed u. every single word u said.
every single word in the email that u typed.
is it i too naive? is it i too stupid already? to can actually dun care and jus wan to meet u and be happy?

i was afraid that after that night.. the next time i see u .. u would treat me like tt.
thats why when i heard the things u said.. i was actually lookin forward to meet u the next time..
i tried to put things away. i was upset by what was going on, but i tried to put those feelings aside. and smile, and talk to you.

i very stressed at work.
realy stressed. i almost burst into tears, because there jus isnt enough time to fininsh one thing and 3 4 other things pile up.. and people having trouble keep finding me to talk.
and i wan to solve all ur problems, i really wan to solve. i really wish i can share and help u all..
and then mus deal with my colleagues, mus be politically correct.
i cant even take off.
i need to constantly worry whether i am passing my workload to my colleague and they will unhappy or screw up my stuff.
i wan to help this old auntie print photo. but i'm so worried to help her also.
cuz i know after i help her print, other people know, will demand i help also.
why people like to take for granted?
i'm nice not because i wan her to like me, its because i wan to be nice to her.
i know shes lonely at home, so i try to talk to some of them.
i know some of them have problems, so i try to listen.
i know they have complaints, so i try to help them.

i need to worry about my colleague stuff.. and help my colleagues to think.
its not my programme and i dunno whats going on, but i had to go down carry 20 over towels, spent more than half hour to order some bloody cakes, and only can eat at 3pm. no. 3pm eat halfway, my resident came to complain to me, get myself stuck between 2 siblings who are my volunteers, and reach back office. to find out i forgot something. so eat while listening to resident complain and haven finnish rice, have to rush back down to get something else. and by the time i come back. my own things not enough time liao. no choice. and stuck between my 2 colleagues because as much as i dun wan to get into political fight, i cant stand being bullied either.
and i already have my own personal problem, i dunno why i bother other pple problems?

i feel like asking everyone to shut up and stop being so selfish and appreciate what they have at the moment.. but i am being selfish too right?

maybe i kapo, maybe i deserve it for wanting to be too nice, too committed, too in love, too selfish.
but i really feel alone.
i turned to u today... turn behind to look for u..
and also wrong.also wrong.

but its ok, i always think that work, can be solved. because no matter what i mus do it. maybe deadline miss a little... kenna kp.
i had dinnner with my boss today.
i know he also having dinner alone.
and actually i didnt wan go home..
he actually nice enough wan pei me for legal i think
so i think ok ba..
eat together. then my colleague came down to the centre, coz he scared i alone.
but legal cancelled. and we 3 had dinner.
u 2 will never see my blog.. but thanks for being nice to me..
maybe the 2 of u dunno what a great help u were..
but i was happy to have ur company..
and lijia too..

i wish i can read ur mind, i hate to guess. i hate to guess wrong already then make everything worse..

i never tot it will be wrong to love someone so much.
i placed my heart out so many times..
got stabbed. and i gave it out again.
wats wrong with my heart?

i'm still doing things on impulse.
still pressurising you.
i'm sorry.
i really am..
never my intention to force.
its jus a reaction.
i jus destroyed everything againn..

at first i was quite unhappy. coz u late..
but nvm, i really appreciate u making the effort to wake up early. and come pay for me. jus sit there and wait for me to fininsh. and pay.
i really very touched.
i know u care. if not u wouldnt even bother to wake up so early and drag urself to something thats not even ur problem.

u think i dun see ure doing something for me. but i can SEE IT.
I CAN FEEL IT.
i never take it for granted.

has anyone seen someone so hopeless before?
i wont be hurt if u care for me.
i'm thankful.
i appreciate.
that at least u still give a damn
when the whole world dont understand me, dont support me, dont care for me,
i hope i turn back and ure there.

because if it were to happen to u,
i'll be there. behind, beside.
u dunno how lucky right to have someone who will always support u..
because she has always stood there, u kicked her out so many times, shes still there.
so she deserves to be kicked a few more times?
or does she deserve to be appreciated cuz she stood by u through the years?

fate brought us together, commitment forced me to leave.
fate brought us together again, pressure forced you to leave this time.
fate brought us together again x2, commitment forced you to leave again.
wheres fate? let me talk to him/her. ask her why he/she likes to trick me?
why he/she likes to play with my feelings?

fortune teller say i will meet a man this year and get married next year.
if it really happens, this man mus be a fantastic man.
because right now, my heart only has u.

i blogged halfway. wanted to upload video. then internet went mad.. so i'm trying again..




this programme happens every last saturday of the month.
we organise it for those who are staying alone.. with a group of volunteers..
we try to have different different games and this is one of the games being played..
supposed to make them laugh..
and this auntie in light yellow, wearing specs, actually closed her eyes! so that nobody can make her laugh. hahaa play cheat!

will upload another video soon. :)
my phone rang at 2pm.
haha i set our anniversary.
i was supposed to celebrate one more month of happiness and bliss.
but i feel nothing like tt.

why pple can happily stay together for years and years. and i jus dont deserve to be happy?
i'm jus always falling for the wrong person, wrong time, wrong this, wrong that..

i wish there was a way i can tell myself to stop.
i wish there was a way i could jus tell myself to stop caring.
i wish there was a button i can press and the tears will stop flowing.
i'm so tired. from the toothaches, headaches and the heartaches.

i wish i can slp and not wake up for the next one year.

i watched P.S. I Love You
and i was crying and crying and crying..
because of certain things that was said...


maybe should read the book once more. and quote some stuff
and it didnt helped that something else happen which caused me to be suuuppper emo...
thanks for answering the phone :)

i was telling myself i had to get out of the hse today.. but when the chance came, i think i shouldnt be seeing anyone today..

thanks pat for asking..

11th september

2 more days to 3 years and 2 months.

i miss u already,
u know anot.

i think of the long weekends that i planned to slp in with u and spend time with u.
all gone.

i was jus getting my life back together.
bf, job, friends, family abit more stable.
then it had to crash
this balance that i tried to hold..

and though i dun always receive phone calls from you, my phone is now especially silent.
though when i meet u, ure always doing ur work and not really pei-ing me, but my days ahead now still feel empty.
i miss the times at tpy. i miss the room. i miss having to pack ur comics, ur clothes.
i miss kapo-ing what things u lack or gonna use finnish and then buying them for u.
i miss seeing ur face in the morning before i go work.
i miss ur cooking for me.
i miss sitting in ur car..
i miss calling u after i finish work..
i miss ur occassional massages.

but i'm so angry and hurt. because i cant do anything about it.
all i can do is wait.
ur footprint in my heart and life.. is so huge..

i really hope fate on our side.

idiot

alone

unwanted

unloved

how to act like i heard nothing? and still behave the same..
i duno if i am stupid until no hope or love until no hope.

why is it always so difficult for me..

pls. pls go away. pls dun hurt me.

invisible.

i jus realised something.

i get very upset when people say i have no life.
what i do with my life has nothing to do with you.
i choose to spend it alone or with people or watever, its not for you to comment or criticise.
BEFORE u criticise my life. think about ur own life.
just because my life is different from yours, doesn mean i've no life.
so dun be shocked/suprised/upset if i say something very nasty about ur life if u have criticised mine.
i respect u, pls respect me.


i'm tired of fighting this battle alone.
if ure in, u need to be in.
halfway doesn count.

I dun like to left hanging. I hate to be tKen for granted. I hate to be treated like an idiot. I hate my phone calls being ignored and not returned. I hate
SMses not being replied. I hate to be treated like I don't matter.

I absolutely hate being last.
我犯贱。我活该。