Loving someone deeply doesnt mean you can have that someone as your love in your life....

the love of my life. told me to smile and be happy.
the love of my life told me i'm special.
the love of my life also told me that he hates receiving phone calls from me.
the love of my life told me i'm irritating.

i believed u. every single word u said.
every single word in the email that u typed.
is it i too naive? is it i too stupid already? to can actually dun care and jus wan to meet u and be happy?

i was afraid that after that night.. the next time i see u .. u would treat me like tt.
thats why when i heard the things u said.. i was actually lookin forward to meet u the next time..
i tried to put things away. i was upset by what was going on, but i tried to put those feelings aside. and smile, and talk to you.

i very stressed at work.
realy stressed. i almost burst into tears, because there jus isnt enough time to fininsh one thing and 3 4 other things pile up.. and people having trouble keep finding me to talk.
and i wan to solve all ur problems, i really wan to solve. i really wish i can share and help u all..
and then mus deal with my colleagues, mus be politically correct.
i cant even take off.
i need to constantly worry whether i am passing my workload to my colleague and they will unhappy or screw up my stuff.
i wan to help this old auntie print photo. but i'm so worried to help her also.
cuz i know after i help her print, other people know, will demand i help also.
why people like to take for granted?
i'm nice not because i wan her to like me, its because i wan to be nice to her.
i know shes lonely at home, so i try to talk to some of them.
i know some of them have problems, so i try to listen.
i know they have complaints, so i try to help them.

i need to worry about my colleague stuff.. and help my colleagues to think.
its not my programme and i dunno whats going on, but i had to go down carry 20 over towels, spent more than half hour to order some bloody cakes, and only can eat at 3pm. no. 3pm eat halfway, my resident came to complain to me, get myself stuck between 2 siblings who are my volunteers, and reach back office. to find out i forgot something. so eat while listening to resident complain and haven finnish rice, have to rush back down to get something else. and by the time i come back. my own things not enough time liao. no choice. and stuck between my 2 colleagues because as much as i dun wan to get into political fight, i cant stand being bullied either.
and i already have my own personal problem, i dunno why i bother other pple problems?

i feel like asking everyone to shut up and stop being so selfish and appreciate what they have at the moment.. but i am being selfish too right?

maybe i kapo, maybe i deserve it for wanting to be too nice, too committed, too in love, too selfish.
but i really feel alone.
i turned to u today... turn behind to look for u..
and also wrong.also wrong.

but its ok, i always think that work, can be solved. because no matter what i mus do it. maybe deadline miss a little... kenna kp.
i had dinnner with my boss today.
i know he also having dinner alone.
and actually i didnt wan go home..
he actually nice enough wan pei me for legal i think
so i think ok ba..
eat together. then my colleague came down to the centre, coz he scared i alone.
but legal cancelled. and we 3 had dinner.
u 2 will never see my blog.. but thanks for being nice to me..
maybe the 2 of u dunno what a great help u were..
but i was happy to have ur company..
and lijia too..

i wish i can read ur mind, i hate to guess. i hate to guess wrong already then make everything worse..

i never tot it will be wrong to love someone so much.
i placed my heart out so many times..
got stabbed. and i gave it out again.
wats wrong with my heart?